Wendy Woolfson

Head In The Sand

I think I have my head in the sand a bit around this diagnosis, about how serious it is. I keep plodding along putting one foot in front of the other and pretending like I have a normal life, but I don’t, I have a very unnormal life compared to most people and I just don’t fully appreciate that.

I spend my days mostly either in my jammies in bed for one reason or another, usually because I feel tired or unwell or I’m in pain and discomfort much of the time. Which again, I don’t really appreciate because I’m good at blocking out large amounts of pain by being stoic. Pain is something I’ve learned to live with because it’s chronic, and there’s a lot of chronic pain sufferers out there who I know can relate to that. However, the GP increased my steroids recently so my energy has escalated and I’m out of bed a lot more now and getting things done and being productive which I’m really enjoying.

My prognosis is not good and I feel bad for my husband. He’s working so hard to keep me comfortable and well. Is it all going to be for naught in the end or will I somehow get through this? The Ayrshire Cancer Support Service has someone who comes to give me Reiki regularly and I always hope that helps with pain as well as some spiritual guidance with some insights. It certainly relaxes me. I wish I had a good book to read just now. I need something to occupy me, something to keep my busy brain busy, so I don’t have to be. I’m tired of working hard to be strong, and I just want to be well and for all this to be over. Cut to the end where I’m walking away well. Visualisation is good and I have a Shaman friend who helps me with that, although I struggle to  keep it up when she’s not around. Emotionally, I’ve been struggling lately. Part of me wants to give up because it’s just too hard and tiring.

My youngest walks into the room and brightens everything up with his energy and then mine as I lift it to meet his. He’s precious and I want to survive for him and my eldest. They still need me. They need my guidance and support, and my love. I want to see who they become, it’s amazing watching your children grow and become, so I’ll keep working hard for them, and my husband.

The sun is shining again, it’s late spring and it will turn into May this week, although it’s Scotland so that doesn’t mean it’s going to be warm. There’s still a chill in the air when I’ve managed to get out for a walk with the dogs, which I have managed to do more frequently recently, and that’s great. I love it when I can get out with the dogs, it’s a real indicator of how well I’m doing, in fact, as I’m writing this with updates since I started this piece, I’ve been out on my own for the first time, so my energy, strength and coordination are improving.

This week is an exciting week because I’m expecting the rest of my paperback books to arrive and then I’m going to sit down and start signing, packing and shipping them all out to the amazing people who have backed my book on Kickstarter, which was an incredible experience and I have so much gratitude for everyone who supported me with that. I can’t wait to pack them full of surprises for them. This is now a few weeks on and I’ve developed a speech impediment due to the numbness in my face, it’s become much more chronic and it’s really hard to articulate words. It’s hard to swallow pills and food, to drink; pretty much everything. We think it’s the immunotherapy causing inflammation which is a positive if that’s the case. The oncologist has no answers for me, so we’re having to analyse it ourselves and see if we can figure it out, she doesn’t seem to want to commit to anything. My right eye is now permanently shut and I took an eye test at the optician; I’m definitely not allowed to drive, and I hate that more than anything, because my freedom has been taken away. I had Holistic Health Ayrshire come round for a crystal bowl sound healing session which was angelic and beautiful, and I’ll definitely do that again. I believe that with the right tones and sounds it could break the tumour up. I’m also taking large doses of intravenous vitamin C now which according to some medical papers works well with immunotherapy. My most recent scan showed I’m still stable which is incredible considering I’m not taking chemo. I refuse to take chemo, I just can’t bring myself to flood my body with a poison. The last time I did that it took me almost two months to recover and the side effects were brutal.

I’ve had my book launch and I’m a published author with my book available on Amazon, my website and my Etsy shop. Two and a half years ago I completed my trauma therapy and I never could have imagined I would have all these things. So in among the stage 4 cancer and looming death and negativity I still feel incredibly lucky. I’ve created a world of art around me that I’ve always wanted since I was a child. I get to be creative every day and express who I am through art. I get to write and share and help people with my words. People are contacting me to tell me how my work is affecting them in a positive way and that blows my mind, it’s so beautiful and exactly what I want.

I have no idea what the future may hold and I do my best to live in the moment which in spiritual practices is considered to be the best thing to do. To follow your highest excitement of what you enjoy doing as far as you can take it and be your authentic self. I’m visualising that tumour shrinking away with every piece of art I make, every book purchased, every message I receive that tells me I’m helping to make a difference in the world.