Wendy Woolfson

A Day In The Life

I’ve been trying to write something for days and every time I do, it just doesn’t come out right. I’m in pain, and I’m tired, I feel queasy a lot of the time now, and after having immunotherapy yesterday it’s all ramped up.

It’s not been like that every day though which is what’s so confusing. Some days are amazing and I’ve been out in the garden and sowing seeds that a friend sent me so I’ll have cornflowers and marigolds in the summer – what an amazing gift; first, to have the seeds to sow and second, to have the energy to sow them!

But then I have a day like today when I’m stuck in bed again and feeling dreadful. It’s taken until one o’clock to feel anything like right, enough to look at a word document and type, and for my brain to have any semblance of coherence.

There’s so much I want to write about but I just can’t. Earlier I had to look at my work laptop to retrieve payslips for financial stuff we needed, disability etc. I’m now disabled, that’s new, and very strange. It took so much effort and I couldn’t remember any of my work passwords and had to text my manager, which was nice actually as I enjoyed checking in with him and feeling connected with work for a moment. I miss working, I think I’ve said that before.

In the meantime, the hospice nurse is coming round this afternoon to discuss my meds and pain relief which, to be honest, there’s not much else they can do, I’m maxed out on everything. It’s palliative care although I still have every intention of beating this thing. We’ll talk about other stuff too I suppose, like occupational health and make sure I have everything I need to be comfortable.

Today is another day when we’re scrambling for meds. We underestimated my pain levels and how much breakthrough pain meds I’d need, and that it was Easter weekend and the surgery would be closed on Monday so I couldn’t get them then or maybe it’s just that the pain is unpredictable, and so today I’ve no breakthrough pain meds which I rely on. I’m desperately hoping the chemist can get them to me today because if they don’t then I’m potentially in a lot of pain this evening and tonight with nothing to relieve it. That’s quite scary for me because the pain is severe when it comes on strong. I’m in low level pain all the time anyway which I’ve got used to.

However, I’m sure it’ll pan out, it always does.

Today my youngest isn’t feeling well either and I can’t give him the comfort I would normally and that’s more frustrating than anything. I can’t be the mum I usually am. I can’t be that mum on any given day. I hate that. We don’t do all the things we used to like go out for a drive and get ice cream, long walks, get him involved in digging or helping in the garden, we hardly ever play board games now. These days, most activities with my youngest take place on my bed; we play cards a lot. I’ve just ordered a couple of new decks so we can play other games and he’s got into card magic as well, so a new deck will be smooth for him to work with. I can’t wait for them to arrive so I can see new tricks! I have to confess to being a regular Amazon customer now that I can’t get out anymore and hubby doesn’t drive, but you got to do what you got to do. We get our shopping delivered now as well, it’s a brilliant service but I did use to love walking round the supermarket and taking my time to choose what I want. Is that weird that I enjoy the weekly shop at the supermarket?

So, it’s another day in bed, and another day trying hard to be grateful for simply being alive and able to enjoy the simple pleasures of watching a favourite TV show, writing and being with my family.